How to Make Friends as an Adult (Even When It Feels Awkward) đ€đŻââïž
Making friends as an adult can feel so awkwardâlike, where do you even start?! If you've ever found yourself craving deeper connections but struggling to find your people, you're not alone. In this episode, Brittany's talking all about building meaningful friendships in adulthood, overcoming the fear of putting yourself out there, and practical ways to cultivate community. Whether you're new to a city, shifting friendships, or just ready to expand your circle, this episode will give you the encouragement and tools you need to find your people.
IN THIS POST, WE CHAT ABOUT:
â» Why making friends as an adult feels so different from childhood friendships
â» How to navigate friendship breakups and feeling left out with grace
â» Practical ways to meet new people (without feeling super awkward)
â» The power of consistency and vulnerability in creating lasting friendships
LETS DIVE IN đ€
Hello hello friends! And welcome back to The Self-Care Sisterhood podcast. Today weâre talking all about HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT which is a topic that Iâve wanted to bring into the space for awhile now and Iâm excited we get to finally have it. A little back storyâŠIâve moved around a lot in my adult life. As a child I was born and raised in the same townâŠnever moving. But as an adult I went away to college, left home for Miami to be an elementary school teacher. Packed up and moved cross country to California after my now husband, Charles, proposed. We loved living there but felt the nudge to leap in 2019 to Dallas Texas. Built an amazing home and lifestyle there only to feel that nudge again, which led us to move to Tampa, FL where we now are.
And each time weâve moved, itâs been an opportunity to start freshânew home, new routines, and most awkward and challengingâ new friendships. If youâve ever relocated, changed life seasons, or simply felt your circle shift, you know how challenging it can be to build meaningful relationships as an adult. Itâs not like when we were kids. As a child, friendships formed naturally on the playground or in school. But as adults, we have to be intentional about creating connections. And the truth isâ and what I want to drive home todayâ friendships arenât just foundâthey are formed. I donât necessarily consider myself an expert in friend making BUUUUTTT I will say that in this last move esp, Iâve noticed subtle things I do now that help me with building friendships, even when itâs awkward and I wanna pass it along to you today.
We are wired for friendship and connection. So you NEED THIS.
WHEN FRIENDSHIPS CHANGEâŠ
Before I dive into some of the tips Iâve accumulated over the years for building friendships as an adult, I want to actually kick off by talking about when friendships change or end. I used to be naive enough to think that my friendships only ended after I left my hometown and HS. That someone ânot wanting to be my friend anymoreâ was only in notes passed in a 90âs classroom. I also thought heartbreak was only possible in intimate relationships or when someone you love so so much passes on.
But no. Iâve realized many times over in my life that some people come into our lives for a season, some people come into our lives for a reason, and some people come into our lives for the long haul. I was the one who wore the rose colored goggles and thought that EVERYONE who came into my life would surely want to be my friend all the days of my life, but thatâs just not the case. Some are for a season. Some are for a reason. And someâŠlike a teeny tiny amount, will weave their way into our lives for the long haul.
I feel like the heartbreak that comes when friendships change is such an important part of the conversation. One of the reasons itâs hard to make friends as an adult is bc when you get hurt enough times, itâs hard to put yourself out there again. Without realizing it, somewhere deep down you donât want to open your heart up to that kind of rejection. And I get it. I get it from a really vulnerable and bruised place.
When I left long term intimate relationships, I lost friends. Itâs actually natural and normal for people to pick sides.
When I left jobs and spaces that I was known for, I also lost a lot of friends bc I stepped out of the circle. This is also normal bc our interests changed. Like surrounds like.
And when Iâve moved, Iâve lost friends simply due to distanceâŠagainâŠnot easy, but normal. Life keeps moving no matter where you are.
Sometimes you pick when to exit. And sometimes the other person picks. Sometimes when the nature of your lifestyle or choices or interests shifts, so does your circle. And thatâs hard. It really really is. I think whatâs most challenging is mourning the loss of a friend who is very much still alive. They are very much still posting on social. They are very much still laughing and enjoying life, inviting others in and making memoriesâ just this time, itâs without you. I had a best friend breakup happen when we moved to Texas and this person was very much still alive and I was very much mourning her as if she wasnât. Bc in my life, she wasnât available anymore. I couldnât call her with good news and celebrate. I couldnât text her when I was having a rough day for encouragement. I couldnât be there for her when I saw her pregnancy announcement and thenâŠa few weeks laterâŠher miscarriage announcement. And that season left me really not ready to make friends again. I had to heal. I had to fill those cracks. I had to rebuild what life was like without her in it.
If this is you, give yourself time. Give yourself grace. Mourn the loss of whatâs no longerâ even if the person is very much still alive. And know that some of the most amazing people in your life, yaâllâŠyou havenât even met yet. There are still friendships to form and relationships to build. Sure you have incredible memories with people from your past, but letâs not camp out there. Thatâs what keeps us isolated and lonely. No. I want you to realize that there are memories to be made AHEAD of this moment and some of the most amazing people in your lifeâŠyou havenât even met yet. Some people come into our lives for a season or a reason, so seek out what they taught you in the process so you can carry it with you into the next.
WHEN YOU FEEL LEFT OUT or ALONEâŠ
Okay. But I also feel like I need to touch on this. What do you do when your friendships start to shift and change and you feel left out? Like maybe itâs not even your own doing, but you just have this looming feeling that youâre uninvited to things. How do we get THRU that and over the hurdle into forming new friendships?
And again. Feeling left out isnât just for the playground in 5th grade. Weâve all been there and esp now more than ever I think itâs easy to feel left out. The world we live in connects us so quickly to what everyone is doing all the stinking time. And Iâm sure youâve found posts where you see what your people are doing and they are doing it without you. What do you do?
First, let yourself feel it. Itâs okay to acknowledge that being left out stingsâbecause it does. You donât have to push it down or pretend it doesnât bother you. Name the feeling, process it, and then remind yourself that it doesnât define your worth.
Next, check the story youâre telling yourself. When we feel left out, our minds love to fill in the gaps with assumptions: They donât like me anymore. I must have done something wrong. Iâm not important to them. But what if the reality is much less personal? What if it was a last-minute gathering? What if someone else planned it? What if it has nothing to do with you at all? Iâm quick to create made up narratives when I see something I wasnât invited to, but I have to step into their shoes and humanize the moment. Not everything is an attack against you.
Then, shift your focus forward. Instead of dwelling on the invite that didnât come, ask yourself: Who can I reach out to? What connection can I nurture? Instead of waiting for someone to include you, be the one who initiates. You know in this space we love to say âCREATE WHAT YOU CRAVEâ so if you crave the girls dinner and you were left outâŠhow can you create that? Send the text, plan the coffee date, build the kind of friendships youâre craving.
And finally, remember this: You are not for everyone, and everyone is not for you. Like I said before, not every friendship will last forever, and thatâs okay. But there are people out there who will see you, value you, and choose you. The friendships youâre meant for? You wonât have to chase them. Theyâll meet you right where you are. If you find that youâre always left out of the invite, I hate to say it but that person isnât your person.
4 TIPS FOR BUILDING FRIENDSHIPS AS AN ADULT:
â Friendships Require Intentionality
Youâve got to know thisâ when youâre an adult, friendship isnât a group sport. It actually takes EFFORT..and effort from YOU. When we were younger, friendships often happened organically because of proximity. We saw the same people every day in school, sports, or after-school activities. But as adults, we donât have the built-in opportunities for connection like we once did. We have to create those opportunities ourselves. That means putting ourselves out there, getting into spaces where like-hearted and like-minded people gather, and making an effort to build relationships.
One of the best ways to find the right friendships is to seek out communities and activities that align with your interests. Whether itâs a local book club, a workout class, a church group, or a networking event, being in spaces with people who share your values and passions makes it easier to find common ground. And common ground is the foundation of deep and lasting friendships. One of the first things my husband, Charles, and I did when we moved to Tampa was find and join activities with the things we loveâ local church. Cycling rides for him. I sampled some yoga studios. Markets and fun pop up events going on in our area. The quicker you can feel rooted somewhere, the easier it will be to make friendships.
⥠Be the One to Initiate
Hereâs the thingâmost people are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Like I said beforeâ adult friendships arenât a group sport. It is going to take YOU, reaching out and being the one to initiate. I hate to say it, but itâs what Iâve found. If I sit around waiting for the invites? They never come. When I initiate and invite others in? Friendships start to form. And youâve got to know this: most people want deeper friendships, but theyâre too afraid to initiate. Donât be that person. Take the first step. Send the text. Invite someone for coffee. Strike up a conversation at your favorite yoga class. Chances are, the other person is hoping for connection too.
I know it can feel awkward or vulnerable, but relationships donât grow without effort. And the reality is, the more you put yourself out there, the more comfortable you become with making connections. Instead of waiting for the âperfectâ moment or the ârightâ friend to magically appear, start small. A simple âHey, Iâd love to grab coffee sometimeâ can be the beginning of something meaningful.
âą Consistency is What Builds Trust
I think this is the hardest part other than the initial awkward invitationsâ staying the course long enough for something to develop. When we first moved to Dallas, we were building our home and wanted to be friends with our neighbors. At first it was simply waving at them from the car as we were both checking on the progress of our home builds. Then weâd linger on our dirt covered properties and chat from across the street. Then we met their kids and they met our dogs. And eventually we ended up inviting them to dinner at a Mexican restaurant down the road and had even deeper conversation. When I look back all I see are my neighbors who were my friends. Pool parties. Baby showers. Birthdays in our backyards. But when I really think about the beginning, it started in the smallest passings. Kind gestures. Smiles. Waves. Standing in dirt and getting to know one another. And the same has been happening slowly here in Tampa.
Real friendships donât happen overnight. They require repeated, meaningful interactions over time.
Think about this in your life and journey. Iâll bet some of your closest friendships grew because you kept showing up for each other. Think backâŠlike ALLLLL the way back to how it all began. It probably was in passing. A kind gesture. A smile. A waveâŠsimple conversations that slowly built into something special.
So stay the course. Make a point to check in, send a quick message, or schedule regular meet-ups. Friendship is like any other relationshipâit needs nurturing. We donât just stumble upon friends and find them. We FORM them over consistent interactions. Whether itâs a new friendship or nurturing one thatâs been there for awhile, youâve got to show up for your people if you expect your people to show up for you.
And I get itâlife gets busy. But prioritizing friendships, even in small ways, makes a big difference. Set a reminder to check in on people. Plan ahead for get-togethers + memories in the making. Even something as simple as a voice memo or a funny meme can show someone you care and that youâre invested in the friendship.
⣠Vulnerability is the Key to Depth
One of the reasons I think we feel so lonely and isolated is bc we are keeping most of our interactions at the surface of our life. The Iâm fine. Things are good. Life is busy. replies arenât serving you and they arenât serving the people youâre trying to create friendships with. Surface-level connections are easy to come by, but deep, soul-nourishing friendships require vulnerability. And a red flag for me at this point in my life is if someone is being surface level. The friends Iâm going to spend the most time nourishing are the ones where I KNOW them and they KNOW me. Being willing to share your struggles, your fears, your dreamsâthatâs what creates genuine connection.
Itâs easy to keep things light and avoid getting too personal, and thereâs a place for those type of interactions in our lives, but true friendships are built when we let people see who we really are and allow them INTO our whole lives. It doesnât mean you have to pour your heart out to everyone you meet, but allowing yourself to be seen and known is how relationships move beyond small talk. Itâs how people will be there for the BIG moments for you vs casual interactions you donât feel like you can call when you need someone. The older I get, the more I know I need the kinds of women I can CALL when life hits me hard or when I have something really exciting to share.
And on the flip side, be a safe space for others to be vulnerable too. Listen without judgment. Show up when they need support. The more you create a space for honesty and openness, the stronger your friendships will become.
As we we wrap up, I canât help but think of a version of me for most of my life that didnât âneedâ anyone. I used to chase a lot of dreams and goals and live in this online bubble with very minimal real-life friendships. And some of the the worst, most isolating moments were my super high highâs and my super low lowâs bc I had no one to call. I didnât need girlfriends yaâllâ until I did. And so I decided a few years back that I wasnât going to live like that anymore. That I would be the friend I needed so I could HAVE the friends I needed. Making friends as an adult takes work, but itâs worth it you guys. The right friendships will form when you get over your fear of being first to initiate and you start to be the kind of friend you need. Bc other people are craving that, too.
Get into spaces with people who share your values and interests.
Be intentional one who initiates and takes the first step.
Keep showing upâ let the small moments in passing build into something special.
And embrace vulnerability. We have enough surface level in this world. Be the one who goes deep and allows others to do the same.
The friendships youâre longing for are possible, but they require effort. This isnât a group sport. This is you, creating the friends you crave. So hereâs my challenge to you: Reach out to someone this week. Whether itâs someone new or someone youâve lost touch with, take one small step toward building connection. You never knowâit could be the beginning of one of those long-haul friendships.
Alright friends. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you found todayâs episode helpful, Iâd love it if youâd share it with a friend, post it on your social, or leave a reviewâit helps this podcast reach more amazing women like you! And donât forget to subscribe so you donât miss next weekâs episode. Until then, take care of yourself so you can love and show up for others well. Iâll see you right here next week on The Self-Care Sisterhood podcast!
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