The MISSING PIECE to CHANGE 🤟🏼

Jan 31

In today’s post we’ll chat thru…

① Why YOU (or the goal you set) ISN’T necessarily THE PROBLEM.
② The DISCONNECT between WHO YOU ARE and WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.
③ The MISSING PIECE to CHANGE.

LET’S DIVE IN. 🖤

With the onset of a fresh year ahead of us, I’ve been reflecting a lot on what the missing link is for people when they are trying to achieve their goals. It’s honestly an area that’s fascinating for me…like why do some people tend to fall into the same loop over and over again…wanting change. Trying to change. And then reverting back to old ways even though they truly WANTED to change vs some people who want to make a change and actually stick it thru to lasting transformation? Like what’s the difference and where’s the disconnect?

I feel like today is such a necessary discussion and it’s one of those that I wish I had earlier in my journey. I was the first person I just described to a T.

I would set the goals.
Try for a bit.
Fall out of the routine.
And then revert back to my old ways until I was frustrated enough to try again.

Stuck in that same loop.

Whether it was my fitness goals, business goals, financial goals…it didn’t discriminate. Whatever goals I set it just felt like maybe I wasn’t the kind of person who could achieve those kinds of things. And I’m sure you can relate…I’m sure you have places in your journey where you feel stuck in a loop and change doesn’t feel possible anymore for you.

First. I want you to know it’s not just you…YOU at your core aren’t the problem. You aren’t the only one who feels like maybe “those goals” are reserved for “those people.” There actually might be a little truth in that that we’ll get to later, but it’s probably not what you’re thinking. And second. Your goal most likely isn’t the problem, either. If it’s on your heart, I think it’s for you. I want to peel back the layers and dive into what I think the missing piece to true and lasting transformation is - the kind of transformation that keeps bringing you closer and closer to your best self. Let’s dive in. 🖤

A QUICK STORY…

If I could take you back to the beginning of when I started really getting serious about taking care of myself….owning my choices and goals and dreams, I felt completely like a fish out of water. Here I was trying to be this person who was an inspiration to others…trying to be a fitness role model and an example for healthy living…but there was a major disconnect.

I WASN’T HER.

I wanted to be her.
I wanted her habits, her behaviors, her routines.
But how people knew me…how I was recognized…my IDENTITY…

It wasn’t her. Not even close.

I wanted to create community, but I was the mean girl gossiping.
I wanted to be healthy and fit, but I was the one who binged McDonald’s alone late at night, drank excessively, and used workouts as punishment for my food choices.
I wanted to be a role model for others, but behind closed doors and at my core, I knew I was quite the opposite.
I wanted to be a leader and a voice on social media, but I was scared about what others thought of me. I didn’t know what to post about. I felt awkward in front of a camera. And I was definitely not confident enough in my craft to truly lead others.

When I look back at the start of my journey as a health coach, I truly WASN'T the person I wanted to be. And I don’t really remember a defining moment or anything grand…I think that’s the lie we get trapped in…that there has to always be this major defining moment. For me it was more like a slow burn. Each day I woke up I got 24 hours to try and show up in the way THAT WOMAN would.

I could choose kinder words.
I could choose healthy meals + movement.
I could choose the example I set for others.
I could choose to post even if it felt really freaking uncomfortable.

I could choose.

And so it was YEARS, friends, of daily deposits…24 hours at a time…that helped me EVOLVE and TRANSFORM. And for so long I thought that habits, behaviors, and routines were the do all end all for transformation. You hear me preach about that all the time and I forever will because they are a HUGE PIECE of the puzzle and ESSENTIAL to change and transformation…but they aren’t the whole story. It goes deeper.

What I started to realize was that I couldn’t just ACT LIKE HER…I HAD TO BECOME HER.

Essentially I couldn’t change what I did until I changed who I was. I had to BECOME the PERSON who did the things I desired. It wasn’t as much about habits as it was about how I saw myself and the IDENTITY I carried.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT HABITS + IDENTITY…

Most of us set goals at the top of the year and we are laser focused on the actions it takes to achieve the things. This makes sense, right? And I’m all for it. But if you don’t BELIEVE that you are the type of person who can do that thing…you’ll always convince yourself (probably subconsciously without ever really noticing) that you don’t have what it takes.

Think about it.

You set the goal to give up alcohol but then you get invited to a friends birthday dinner and you end up giving in and drinking bc socially every one else is.
Or you set the goal to start the business, but then you have to network and reach out to people to grow it and you end up shying away bc you’re “introverted.”
Or you decide that this is the year you are going to run the marathon, but it’s cold outside and rainy so you ditch the training plan.

But let me ask you…did you BELIEVE you could be the woman who doesn’t need a drink to have fun? Or do you BELIEVE you are the person who can get out of her comfort zone and grow the skills necessary to build a successful business? Do you know without a doubt that YOU ARE, in fact, a runner…or are you playing small bc you’ve never really been the athletic type?

Friends. The more you buy into who you are right now versus fight to believe in the person you are growing into…the more and more you will fail at true and lasting change. And this isn’t a “fake it til you make it’ sort of scenario…this is “believe it til you become it.”

BELIEVE IN HER AS YOU BECOME HER.

And as we we talk about habits vs identity I know you might be thinking this is kinda woo woo…like I don’t need the “believe in her” pep talk, but this is actually backed with science, so let me explain. In psychotherapy there’s two types of change - first order change and second order change.

First order change is basically behavior change..it’s surface level. It’s the habits, actions, routines. It’s when we commit to starting something, like hitting the gym 5 days per week or stopping something, like giving up alcohol. And first order change works…you’ll get some sort of immediate results. But the lasting change that we’re after doesn’t come. Second order change, however, is more conceptual…it’s getting to the ROOT of the issue. In second order change we don’t simply focus on ACTING different, we THINK different. It’s a mindset shift. And in doing this, second order change is thought to be the only kind of change that truly lasts.

It’s the old phrase…show me your thoughts and I’ll show you your life. But I’ll take it a step further…

Our THOUGHTS become our ACTIONS.
Our ACTIONS become our HABITS.
Our HABITS become our LIFE.

If you THINK you’re too tired when the alarm goes off and not a morning person…the ACTIONS you’re going to take will align with that thought process. You’ll hit snooze and have rushed, chaotic mornings. That then becomes an action you repeat (aka a HABIT) and over time those habits make up the type of LIFE you live.

On the other hand, if you THINK mornings are the perfect window to take care of yourself, your ACTIONS will be that much more ALIGNED with that mentality. You’ll get up. Take time to care for you before you care for others and have a fresh start to each day. When repeated over time that becomes the HABIT you adopt and then down the road it turns into the kind of LIFE you lead.

Thoughts - Actions.
Actions - Habits.
Habits - Life.

So habits are ESSENTIAL, right? It’s why you’ll always hear me preach about habits, behaviors, and routines. But the layer underneath those habits are your THOUGHTS. What you think about yourself is going to determine how you’ll repeatedly show up in the world. We have to START with our thoughts. We have to START with who we believe we CAN be…even if we aren’t her, yet. As you look around at everyone setting goals or talking about the IN’s and OUT’s of the year…the majority of people are talking about ACTIONS. Very few are considering the THOUGHTS behind the actions. I hope this is helping you see why time and time again we fall into that same pattern loop of starting - trying - and failing. I hope you are seeing how your THOUGHTS essentially are the missing piece to lasting change and true transformation. How you view yourself in light of the goals you set.

But like anything else, this is a PROCESS, ya’ll. And in any process we are bound to have moments where we nail it and moments where we fall flat and miss the mark. Again…it comes back to the way you think about yourself. If you find yourself on a consistent streak of waking up and winning your morning and then one day you hit snooze…this doesn’t mean the goal wasn’t meant for you. This doesn’t mean you say to yourself “see…I knew I wasn’t a morning person.” These are the moments when we decide how we are going to view ourselves.

Mental hygiene is something I practice daily. And if you’ve never heard that term before…think about your physical hygiene habits. If you’re privileged enough to be listening to a podcast all about growth + self care + taking deep ownership of how you desire to show up in the world, then I’m sure you shower, brush your teeth, change clothes, tidy up your space…I’m sure you have a solid physical hygiene routine to keep you physical self as healthy as possible.

But what about your mental hygiene? Mental hygiene refers to the daily activities that support and maintain your mental health. Just like we support and maintain our physical health, we can DO THINGS to support + maintain our mental health as well. Things like deep breathing, journaling, guided meditations, gratitude exercises, self-compassion, mindfulness, spending time in nature, getting into therapy, shoot…listening to podcasts that help you stretch and grow you mind (just like this one)…these are all ways we can care for our mental health day in and day out.

Did you know that each day, the average person has about 60,000 thoughts that they think? And what’s even more wild is that about 75% or 45,000 of those thoughts are repetitive. And I like to think of those thoughts in my head like a station on the radio. If the station your mindset is tuned to is rather negative, than the majority of your day and life become a repetition of negative thoughts. I hate my job. I can’t do anything right. I wish I was more like her. I’m not enough. I’m so ugly. I can’t do that. I’m a terrible mom or friend. Ya’ll…if those are the station it’s time to CHANGE IT to something more empowering so that your THOUGHTS help empower you to step into all that you desire. Mental hygiene does just that. It is the DAILY RESET for your mind bc just like our shower or brushing our teeth doesn’t last…this is a DAILY PRACTICE you have to come back to over and over and over again. But we were never taught that…so let’s start now, amen?

Last story as I land this plane today…

I kicked off the year with a goal I’m calling “40 for 40.” Basically it’s 40 days of committing to habits that make me feel my best leading up to my 40th birthday. I picked 5 habits to track each day -

no alcohol
stick to my meal plan (which is like my version of plant based whole 30-ish)
hit my daily water goals (which I set at 80 oz)
move my body every single day
cold plunge therapy - and here I’m committed to 3 four minute plunges each week to total 12 minutes (which studies show is the magic number that you want to hit to achieve the benefits of cold exposure therapy)

At the top of each week I write out those areas in my habit tracker and what I realized was I was more likely to commit to the behavior when I checked it off first thing in the day…not because I had actually done it, but because I was committing to showing up that day in that way. It was my little way of saying “this is who I am today…this is how I’m showing up.” So before the day got ahead of me or even got started, I checked off “stick to my meal plan” and “no alcohol” so that there wouldn’t be a question. This is just what I do. This is who I am. This is how I’m showing up today.

And I tell you this bc it’s such a SMALL SHIFT in my transformation journey, but it’s been the small thing that has helped me lock it in and BECOME THE WOMAN who DOES THE THING. It’s an identity shift. And the same is true when I look back 10 years ago to now…

10 years ago I gossiped and was a mean girl.
Today I build community for women where everyone has a seat at the table.

10 years ago I binged McDonalds + beat myself up on the treadmill afterwards.
Today I mentor and support women in all things health and wellness.

10 years ago I was a terrible role model with my choices.
Today I show up and share my habits, behaviors, and routines in an authentic way to inspire others to step into their own.

And 10 years ago I wasn’t a leader in the wellness space, nor did I feel comfortable sharing on social and building a business.
Today I have a thriving business, podcast, and growing social platform that provides tools, resources, and community surrounding all things being your best self.

I didn’t START that way. The road to transformation has felt long and slow at times. But 10 years went by in a flash. And I’m standing on the other side TRANSFORMED in the most insane ways all because I was bold enough to BELIEVE I COULD. I believed I could be a better human, get healthy, inspire others, and build the life of my dreams. I believed it bc I saw other women doing the same.

So last piece of the puzzle I want to leave you with…YOU NEVER KNOW HOW FAR, WIDE, + DEEP YOUR INFLUENCE CAN REACH. Your choice to show up and believe in yourself could be the exact thing some other woman out there needs to see to believe that SHE CAN, TOO. If the women I was watching never showed me what was possible, I think I would’ve remained on that same loop of start - try - fail each and every time. But because she showed me it was possible…I began to BELIEVE that was true for me, too. And BELIEF paired with ACTION is truly the secret sauce and the MISSING PIECE TO LASTING TRANSFORMATION.

Whether it’s in your health, your career growth, your family + relationships, or simply the way you show up as a human today…your goals will be the direct reflection of what you believe you are worthy + capable of and how you then pair that belief with action. Soak that in. Borrow my belief. Keep setting + resetting your mindset to align with who you want to be. Because the goal is FOR YOU. I believe that. If it’s on your heart it’s FOR YOU. And I can’t wait to see you BELIEVE IN HER AS YOU BECOME HER. Not just for 2024…but like, for life. Deal?

If you’re loving this message today be sure to tap on the subscribe button, share this episode with your circle of influence (remember I said you can BE THAT GIRL for someone else?!), and let me know on social what you vibed with most today. I LOVE seeing what’s on your heart and how you’re making moves in your journey. 🖤🤟🏼

PS…This website includes affiliate links. If you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products + tools that I have personally reviewed, love, and/or use. You can read the full statement HERE.